Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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