The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize