I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
I have demons in me.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Randomize
