I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
