she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
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