end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
