I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
