Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Randomize
