It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
