Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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