I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Confirm your location. A cross street is best, but if google mapping yourself is your least-shameful option go for it. ps- going through his mail for an actual address is always an option.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
