I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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