i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
