I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
