bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
