Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
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