i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
