I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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