I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
