No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Did I show you my penis last night?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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