Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
