Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
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