I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
