can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
