just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
