She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
