I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
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