my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
