there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
