seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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