haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
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