wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
