somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Randomize
