Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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