I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
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