a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
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