you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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