Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
