Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
