we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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