in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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