Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize