okay pat passed out under dana's car
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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