Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
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