you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
