I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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