I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
