the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Randomize
