omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Randomize
