My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize