Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
