Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Randomize
