shes about as inviting as chlamydia
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
