My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
