That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
