1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
