a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
