I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
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